The Moment: The War

Dear Anne Marie: Everywhere I go at work people are talking about the war, and most are strongly against it. This is so difficult for me. My brother is in the army and stationed in Iraq. I worry about him and it's hard to get anything done. What makes it even harder is that there's no one here I can talk to.
    — Ellen G.

Dear Ellen: You are to be commended for being at work and striving for productivity. This is no small feat, given the huge distraction you face every waking moment of the day. You are to be deeply respected for your efforts.

Managing The Moment

The "Moment to Manage" is your feeling of secrecy. It is understandable for you to pull back and be silent in the face of your co-workers' objections to the war—understandable, but perhaps unwarranted. Most people are adept at holding multiple perspectives on an issue; they can be strongly against the war and still support the troops. Given a chance, many of your co-workers would gladly listen to you with care and support you through this hard time.

The Game Plan

First, be aware of how you are feeling. Several times a day stop and ask yourself, "How am I feeling right now?" "Do I feel vulnerable or do I feel strong?" Let your answers guide you in taking care of yourself. For example, try to avoid taking risks when you know you are feeling vulnerable.

Second, get plenty of support outside of work. Gather with family and friends frequently and seek the assistance of a qualified counselor. Ask for help from those you trust and avoid isolation.

Third, try "not talking" sometimes. While it is true that talking can provide enormous relief, it can also stir up your emotions. Once stirred up, emotions can be hard to calm down. Learn to discern when talking will be helpful vs. leaving you feeling out of control. Sometimes it is better not to talk.

Fourth, declare your boundaries with care. Ask your co-workers to make an effort to refrain from discussing the war around you. Next, be prepared to leave the room anytime a conversation feels intolerable. This is not a time to tough it out, it is a time to be gentle and caring with yourself.

Finally, war is painful for everyone. Everyone grieves the loss of life and everyone wants peace. This is a time for us to be united in our values and our mutual desire for world peace rather than be divided on our personal views of how to achieve it.