Dear Anne Marie: A colleague of mine told me how he cheats on his expense reports, just in case I, too, want to use his crafty scheme. This really bothers me. Do I turn the other cheek or report him to our manager and perhaps lose trust from others who confide in me?
    —Gary L.

Dear Gary: You are a decent man with solid values. Honest, integrity and trust are important to you, so you want to do the right thing. But what’s right? If you are silent, will you be letting your manager down? If you talk, will you lose the trust of people who confide in you? Can you "turn the other cheek" and keep your self-respect? How can you act with integrity and still come out on top?

Managing The Moment

The "Moment to Manage" is your feeling of apprehension. It is bad enough that your colleague is cheating on his expense reports, but now he is including you in his shenanigans. You end up stuck with information you would rather not know—a "dirty secret" that can make you feel guilty even though you are doing nothing wrong. Unwarranted guilt can lead to feelings of anger, further impairing your ability to respond appropriately to this awful situation.

The Game Plan

First, take a time out. Although the situation may feel like an emergency, it isn't. You can give yourself a few weeks to consider what is best for you and everyone else involved. You—and others, will have to live with your decision for a long time. You owe it to yourself—and them, to make the best decision possible.

Second, examine carefully all your conflicting values. Your values of honesty and integrity oblige you talk to your manager. Your values around trustworthiness, and the need to "keep the faith" with others who confide in you, compel you to be silent. Last of all is your relationship with yourself. What do you need to do to be true to yourself and be aligned with your values?

Third, be prepared. How will you handle it if the people who confide in you shun you because you "snitched?" How will you handle it if your manager finds out you withheld this information from him? Can you afford to lose your job if this backfires on you? What if others lose trust in you because you remained silent? How will you feel if you do nothing?

Fourth, test your choice by putting it inside the bigger picture of your life. One year from now, what will you wish you had done? Five or ten years from now, what will you wish you had done? What decision can you live with over time?

Finally, get support. Ask trusted family members and friends to provide you with much needed support—this too is part of your preparation.