The
Moment: Behind My Back
Dear Anne Marie:
I'm having difficulty with a co-worker. She comes to me
for assistance on several projects. When she's with me, she's
full of praise for what we've done together. Then a few days
later my manager tells me otherwise. Apparently she prefers
to disagree with me behind my back. How do I handle this so
I can continue to work with her?
— Jay Z.
Dear Jay: Helping others is very fulfilling to you.
You have a real knack for discovering people's potential and
coaxing it out of them. You enjoy taking people under your
wing and you fully commit yourself to their success.
Managing
The Moment
The "Moment
to Manage" is your feeling of helpfulness. Your
co-worker is not feeling supported by you. On the contrary,
she feels resentful and guarded. If helping others is serving
you more than them, then being generous has become a way to
boost your own ego. You get to be the "good guy" with
all the answers while your co-worker gets to be "helped".
She restores her deflated confidence by taking her complaints
to the boss and making you look bad.
The Game Plan
First, learn exactly what assistance your co-worker wants
from you. Does she want your ideas and suggestions or does
she want a sounding board? Is she asking you to jump in and
do some of the work or simply help her get organized? You need
to discover what she needs in order to be truly helpful.
Second, play a
supporting, not a leading role. She is asking for assistance
on her projects, so take care not to "take over".
Your task is to support her in doing her job, not to do it for
her and take credit for the result.
Third, ask her
what you are doing that is not working for her—then listen!
Be calm and relaxed. Let her know it is important to you to
have a good working relationship with her. Invite her to be
honest and direct with you and assure her you welcome her opinions,
even if she disagrees with you.
Fourth, resolve
not to tolerate backstabbing. If your co-worker persists
in talking behind your back, send a clear message to her that
you will not tolerate it. Ask for your boss's support in keeping
the lines of communication open and clean.
Finally, genuine
helpfulness is care in action. Feeling sincere care for
the people you are helping is what makes being helpful so rewarding.
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