Dear Anne Marie: I rarely get day-to-day feedback about my work. However, when performance review time rolls around, my supervisor has lots to say about what I need to improve. It's hard to take it all in, especially when it's about something that happened months ago. What can I say or do to make his input more relevant and less painful?
   — Bob J.

Dear Bob: You have the ability to work steadily and independently without needing constant praise and reassurance from your boss. This suggests a high degree of self-confidence and poise. In today's demanding workplace your talents are a huge gift to busy and often overworked managers.

Managing The Moment

The "Moment to Manage" is your feeling of overwhelm. Laundry lists of "things to improve", offered up long after the fact, quickly raise your anxiety levels until you can't even think. With your brain in a fog it is difficult to evaluate what is true, recall what happened, explain your actions or formulate effective questions.

The Game Plan

First, apply emotional first aid. In an airplane emergency, parents are instructed to put their oxygen masks on first and then help their children. The same theory holds true here. Take care of yourself before you address the issue with your boss. Breathe very slowly so you can calm down, think clearly and communicate well.

Second, clarify the issue. Make it clear to your boss that you want his feedback; otherwise he may mistake your objections for defensiveness. The issue on the table is timeliness, not his feedback on your performance.

Third, adjust your expectations. You expect your boss to give you timely feedback because that is the "right" way to do things. However, holding your boss to your standards spawns judgments, and judgments block communication. Try to remain objective so that you can achieve the results you desire.

Fourth, take responsibility for getting your needs met. Get feedback by asking for it, either in the moment or by requesting monthly meetings to review your work. Tell your boss that you have a desire to learn and grow in your profession and that you see more consistent feedback as a valuable tool for that objective.

Finally, ask for feedback on what you are doing well. We live in a culture that habitually looks for what is wrong and then tries to fix it. It is equally (if not more) helpful to look for what is right and then acknowledge it. Help your boss learn this new habit by asking him for feedback on what you do well. But don't stop there. Pay attention to the people you work with and try and catch them in acts of excellence.