The Moment: Caught in the Middle

Dear Anne Marie: I'm caught in the middle. A co-worker is filing a complaint about our manager and wants me to go on record in support of her claims. This scares me. Couldn't this put my job at risk? If I don't support her, I may very well lose a friend. I don't know who to trust.
    —Andrew S.

Dear Andrew: You sound like a guy who doesn't like to make waves. You value harmony and enjoy being loyal to your friends. Now, loyalty to your friend is coming at too high a price tag if your co-worker's problem with the manager takes center stage in your life. This is a delicate situation that warrants clear thinking and intentional actions.

Managing The Moment

The "Moment to Manage" is your feeling of urgency. Urgency can make you feel like you have a "real emergency" on your hands. While it is true that you have a problem, problems are not usually emergencies. Feelings of urgency can cause you to add significance beyond what the situation warrants. Consider this: what if it is not as serious as you are making it?

The Game Plan

First, shut off your "emergency alarm bells". Your emotions are like a siren right now, jamming your internal switchboard with warning signals. It is natural for you to feel reactive under these circumstances, but your reactions are making it impossible for you to think clearly or make good decisions. Give yourself a time out so you can begin to calm your emotions.

Second, determine who owns the problem. Is the manager's behavior directly affecting your ability to do your job? Is the manager's behavior clearly violating anyone's legal or moral rights? You own the problem if, and only if, you can answer yes to these questions. Having empathy for your friend's situation is not the same as owning the problem.

Third, focus on results. If you decide that you do own the problem, your next step is to determine if you can bring a productive resolution to this issue. Productive resolutions focus on win-win. Start by getting very clear on the results you want to achieve and then work backwards. Don't be afraid to ask for help!

Finally, maintain healthy boundaries at work. People are happier and more productive when they have friends in the work place. Keep these friendships solid by knowing the difference between business issues and personal issues. Put your actions behind your own business issues; offer your caring support around personal issues. Remember, real care between friends does not obligate you to take sides and would not leave you feeling "stuck in the middle".